All posts tagged: power

The sex challenge

  Gosh, I have no idea how to tell you this. How on earth to tell this anyone. You know, I mentioned in my last post I’d been opening my sex. In effect what that means is, I decided to have sex – each day for 7 days (without a primary partner). I had quite fun and curious and weird and slightly disgusting and veeeery intense experiences and it opened me. I suddenly felt full and in love with everybody. I was high and very conscious for a few days. Next, I didn’t really want to meet just anyone anymore. People suddenly were gross, I got small again. I couldn’t find anybody attractive on tinder. I felt like ‘eeew – I don’t want to even talk to these people’. I knew I had to open again. Somehow we never naturally just stay open. I don’t even know what happened that changed me, that had my subconscious go ‘uh oh – this is dangerous – we need more protection’ but I know I closed when I suddenly …

Heart Chakra vs. Sex Chakra

  I’ve been opening my sex. And it had the most extraordinary result. I’m in love. I opened the base and the sacral chakra, and in the process my heart chakra expanded. I just visited a friend who has done the heart work – the connecting through the eyes kind of stuff – for a very long time. He is good at it, in his field kind of a guru. He used to challenge the sex focus of my work. He said the heart needed to be involved in the sex, else we were unhealthily focused. And that may be true. What I see often in ‘spiritual’ people is that they are focussing too much on the heart and the compassion side of things and their base and sacral chakras are completely underdeveloped. They are not nurturing or harnessing one of the most powerful energies there is. As a result they often seem unstable – they are idealists with no power. These past days, I realised I will be able to respond to their challenges …

Conflating sex

I had a great conversation recently with two great friends of mine. We were talking about our favourite subject – sex – what else?? He currently doesn’t have much sex, he is in a relationship and has three little kids who take a lot of attention and energy from him and his partner. He said he doesn’t mind much though, he would like more sex, yes, but it’s really no problem for him that he doesn’t have it. We believed him. And then S. wondered what had changed for him – he used to mind much more when he was younger. He answered that there had been a crucial moment in his life when he’d separated sex from getting acknowledgement or approval. And when he did that, sex wasn’t as important anymore, his self-worth wasn’t affected, it was ‘just’ sex. I realised that I had done the same when I came to Munich – I was new and had one single connection and somehow being able to connect to people and create the sex-life that …

Full Circle

Recently, magic happened. So I had this incredibly intense relationship. Which was very addictive. I have never been as deeply down in the black hole of depression, as while he was in my system but unable to approve of me or show me his love. Then there was this other woman. She became the girlfriend, while still no one was supposed to really know about me. We experienced a lot of drama and in between we connected. We both were very jealous, a lot of the time she didn’t talk to me and I was mad cause I was attempting to connect and she refused. Recently he broke up with her. And she is going through the same hell I went through. And then one day, as I was holding her in her pain she said ‘thank you’ and I realised there was nothing to thank me for, cause all I could do was help. It wasn’t a choice, it was the only way and the only truth. The woman who had symbolised (mind you, not …

Desire and Self-Love

I’d like to give you a really clear blog post right now. But I’m not just there yet. I’m in the middle of a journey, a journey to more self-love. There’s a man I love and when he told me he doesn’t want to spend time with me because he rather spends it on his purpose I hurt. I hurt cause I didn’t feel valued for who I am and what I bring. To me spending time with loved ones is time spent on one’s purpose, because relating always grows me, unless I do it too much and don’t get enough practical things done for my purpose. After a long while of crunchy anger, resentment and a feeling of being stuck I finally surrendered to not having the relationship be what I wanted it to be and I hit the bottom of the down. That’s where the down became beautiful again. That’s where I found God. That’s where I felt me and my desire for a certain kind of relationship. In the surrender to the …

Freedom

I don’t care right now. It’s sooooooo weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd! I know everything passes. In a way I was waiting for it to pass. And I also know it’ll be back. I’ll slip. I’ll hear something, I’ll feel vulnerable and I’ll miss him. I’ll curse the universe that she has what I’ve always wanted. But right now, for some reason, I’m okay. They are in the room next to me and I don’t care. I love him, I really do. But does that mean I need to cling, to worry, to fear? I know she is afraid of loss, jealous and codependent. She wonders if she’ll ever get what she needs. Whether he’ll ever show her his love. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME! And yet – right now – I am free. Right now those things seem ridiculous. Right now I understand him. Right now I understand that relationship is not so important. Not as important as the Orgasm. Not as important as Life. Not as important as something bigger. So yea, we want to connect. We …