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Desire and Self-Love


I’d like to give you a really clear blog post right now.
But I’m not just there yet.
I’m in the middle of a journey, a journey to more self-love.

There’s a man I love and when he told me he doesn’t want to spend time with me because he rather spends it on his purpose I hurt.
I hurt cause I didn’t feel valued for who I am and what I bring.
To me spending time with loved ones is time spent on one’s purpose, because relating always grows me, unless I do it too much and don’t get enough practical things done for my purpose.

After a long while of crunchy anger, resentment and a feeling of being stuck I finally surrendered to not having the relationship be what I wanted it to be and I hit the bottom of the down.
That’s where the down became beautiful again.
That’s where I found God.
That’s where I felt me and my desire for a certain kind of relationship.

In the surrender to the down I found the unshakable core of me – that’s when I remember that I can have it.
I can have exactly what I desire.
None of this means I don’t deserve the attention this man won’t give me, it doesn’t mean I can’t ever have it, and it doesn’t mean he is a bad person for not noticing that he does want to spend the specified time with me.
I’ll be sad for a few weeks to loose out on this specific connection, this specific flavour, but the clarity of what I want and that I won’t settle for less is so much more beautiful a gift to me than actually spending that time with him.

I didn’t use to hold my desire in this place, to keep to a certain standard that I want – I used to settle for less, so I could at least get some connection. I didn’t know I could have it. (If you want to know how to have that, too, schedule an exploratory with me)

Now a balancing act awaits:
I know that if I was fully enlightened I wouldn’t mind waiting for whenever his desire to spend time with me strikes, I wouldn’t punish him with withdrawal in the mean time.
I also know I’m not fully enlightened just yet, so, right now, I want to look after me and do whatever is necessary to value myself, my attention, my desire. It should be about focussing on what I want, not on him or how I don’t get what I need from him (therefore needing to ‘protect’ myself).

I don’t know how much of contact that’ll include. Protection always means less connection and I know that I’ll be inclined to protect myself from opening too much to him while he can’t give me the kind of relationship I want.

It will have to be a work in progress.
Deciding to open based on actual desire and the bigger picture, rather than on fear of opening in the wrong place or scarcity. Staying in the knowing that I can have what I want, if not from him, from somebody else. And from there not asking for what I want from him, but from others; and having the attention on my desire be the reason why I have less time for him (cause I’m spending it with those who share my idea of relationship more) and not protection.

I’m kind of excited to explore this path and I’m grateful to S. that I got to feel my desire so clearly and I got to stand up for it and I got to choose it and I got to feel that I value myself, in a way I didn’t use to before.

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