Gosh, I have no idea how to tell you this. How on earth to tell this anyone.
You know, I mentioned in my last post I’d been opening my sex. In effect what that means is, I decided to have sex – each day for 7 days (without a primary partner).
I had quite fun and curious and weird and slightly disgusting and veeeery intense experiences and it opened me. I suddenly felt full and in love with everybody. I was high and very conscious for a few days.
Next, I didn’t really want to meet just anyone anymore. People suddenly were gross, I got small again. I couldn’t find anybody attractive on tinder. I felt like ‘eeew – I don’t want to even talk to these people’.
I knew I had to open again. Somehow we never naturally just stay open. I don’t even know what happened that changed me, that had my subconscious go ‘uh oh – this is dangerous – we need more protection’ but I know I closed when I suddenly start finding people disgusting. Like, EVERYBODY!
We seem to automatically grow protective layers…
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that open and been out in the world before, but it’s scary.
That’s why most people hide inside under blankets and avoid getting in touch, almost at all cost, when they feel that raw. Like after a break up, or a big fight or the death of a loved one – you stay at home and lick your wounds. Even after soul shaking sex or any moment somebody has seen the deepest insides of you, you feel uncomfortably open and usually stay in hiding until the layers grew back.
So eventually I went and did what works for me, I went and had sex even when I didn’t feel like it. I did it like a practice, knowing it’s something that works to open me, without necessarily wanting to. Like you go to the Gym or do Yoga or meditate when you don’t want to, because you know it will help.
And it did, but it’ll be a continuous effort.
Being in a constant state of awareness and bliss and love towards everything and everybody that is takes some effort!