All posts tagged: orgasm

Faking it

  I was seeing this guy and one day, with my friend’s reflection, I noticed that I was faking it. She said I wasn’t willing to open to him and I responded that I literally didn’t know how to do that – I didn’t think he had many interesting topics to talk about. As I said that, I knew that couldn’t actually be the case, I truly believe every human being has a beautiful and interesting core, but I didn’t know how to go deeper with him. When I wanted to connect to him, I talked about topics that were boring to me (his breakfast at work with colleagues for example) – why did I ask about them then? It was shocking to notice that I was faking it. I talked about things I wasn’t interested in and pretended like I was… How little faith in people I have. I don’t tell them my truth, cause I don’t think they can handle it. That means I am blocking connection.  Not they, who aren’t ready for …

Surrendering to phases

I don’t even know what I’m gonna say here yet. I’m one day behind – I forgot my post yesterday – and now I look at all the subjects I’d been wanting to write about and they seem so silly. I had actually made a note, for example, of wanting to write about the time when I contemplated what it means to be addicted to sex and whether I was or not. After 2-3 days, I believe, I came to this place inside of me that really didn’t need sex at all and I felt lightly amused that I had been so significant about the whole contemplation in the first place. As a result of the resulting lightness around sex – the landing in ‘not needing it’ – I had way more and my experience around it was even more fluid and fun. That’s a great topic, except, …then I did what I tend to do, which is getting comfy with one partner. So I had a lot of great sex with one person and then …

Full Circle

Recently, magic happened. So I had this incredibly intense relationship. Which was very addictive. I have never been as deeply down in the black hole of depression, as while he was in my system but unable to approve of me or show me his love. Then there was this other woman. She became the girlfriend, while still no one was supposed to really know about me. We experienced a lot of drama and in between we connected. We both were very jealous, a lot of the time she didn’t talk to me and I was mad cause I was attempting to connect and she refused. Recently he broke up with her. And she is going through the same hell I went through. And then one day, as I was holding her in her pain she said ‘thank you’ and I realised there was nothing to thank me for, cause all I could do was help. It wasn’t a choice, it was the only way and the only truth. The woman who had symbolised (mind you, not …

OM and Parents = Orgasm

It’s now end of July. Almost two months ago I received an email from my Mum saying, amongst other things, that she loves me, and she’ll miss me but we won’t be hearing from each other much in the future, because she’s so confronted by my life style and everything I do around OM. Then I cried. Two hours later I surrendered. I felt that this was a phase change and the difficult phase wasn’t going to last forever. I suddenly trusted the Orgasm, and while it overtly didn’t get any better between us it still felt like progress. It’s almost as if when you’re plugged into the orgasm it’s impossible to go backwards. I was so grateful then for having found something that could be so big in my life that it would be able to absorb that experience of almost losing a parent but not really. That I had found something to have so much faith in, that I would surrender. Today I’m going towards my home town. And I’m thinking about my …

Accessing a part of me…

I am opening this tender, tender spot in me. It is absolutely terrifying. When I think about opening it to anybody but the one person I’ve opened it to before, I cry. When I think about the person that somehow was able to instantly access that part of me, on a very visceral level, I cry, too. I don’t want to open that part of me. No one is supposed to even know it’s there. It’s so vulnerable. And yet, somehow opening it to lay bare at the feet of God’s creation, for everyone to step on or to admire it, seems like my task. between 22 and 27 of March 2014 Sign up for my Orgasmic Newsletter