I don’t even know what I’m gonna say here yet.
I’m one day behind – I forgot my post yesterday – and now I look at all the subjects I’d been wanting to write about and they seem so silly.
I had actually made a note, for example, of wanting to write about the time when I contemplated what it means to be addicted to sex and whether I was or not. After 2-3 days, I believe, I came to this place inside of me that really didn’t need sex at all and I felt lightly amused that I had been so significant about the whole contemplation in the first place. As a result of the resulting lightness around sex – the landing in ‘not needing it’ – I had way more and my experience around it was even more fluid and fun.
That’s a great topic, except, …then I did what I tend to do, which is getting comfy with one partner. So I had a lot of great sex with one person and then we went deeper and he really ultimately wants monogamy and I don’t and anyway, I got some of my crazy attached patterns out because that’s what I usually do when I’ve been having too much sex with one person and now we hardly have any.
Now I could obsess about the lack of sex again, but that’s not really it. I actually do feel confident that I can just have it. I’ve got enough power, I speak my desire and it manifests – no problem.
So I’ve been dealing with that part of mine that keeps coming out, with the desire for comfort – my overly attached girlfriend persona. Oh my, I’m so embarrassed I have her. And she takes up energy from my purpose and other areas in my life that I care about.
I think that may be one of her roles – to keep me safe in mediocrity, to not take too many risks and lead a too unusual life – because – damn, that’s dangerous. People will be confronted and then not like me and then I’ll end up with an outrageous life and no friends whatsoever.
Scared in there much, Elisa??
I think she will always be there to protect me from too much freedom and too much purpose and at the same time I want those things.
So I’m gonna learn how to handle her!
I believe she could do with more orgasm, more OM and more sex with different people – so she doesn’t even get the chance to attach herself to just one person. I’m gonna focus on that as an exercise for me to open myself and my orgasm and be able to connect more and give more and love more.
Let’s surrender to the current phase, Elisa, shall we?