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…These Past Years…

I have changed a lot these past two years with my OM practice and the general work on myself that I’ve been doing. I guess you call it ‘self-development’ – I prefer calling it ‘getting free’ or ‘waking up’.

I noticed how I’ve changed in a very subtle way over New Year.
We spent New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day at a friend’s house in the countryside.
Around noon on January the first I was so happy to be there, so at peace, I’d slept long, it was warm and homely and full of children – I was feeding on lush oranges and avocado and felt healthy and like I had time to write and reflect and be curled up inside a house far away from the city with 30cm of snow around….
I was happy.

In the early evening, I got restless.
I felt the restlessness and attempted to explain it: restlessness was there, because I wasn’t ‘performing well’, I was only hanging out, I wasn’t ‘getting shit done’. I couldn’t really remember what my purpose was, anyway, nor did I feel very connected to anyone or anything.

And this is where I could see how I’ve changed, cause I saw the usual synapses firing, the usual patterns trying to run and yet somehow I stayed an observer (I guess this is what Tolle suggests, it happened comparatively naturally for me this time). I told myself ‘Elisa, you’re trying to look for a problem where there is none. Give it up, you don’t need to create a problem. You can just be okay and happy here.’

Then I wrote inventory* and cleared the stuff out completely, I finished with a list of things I could and wanted to do right there from my laptop, and I was back in touch with who I am and what I want to do with my life.

It wasn’t a very pleasant moment, nor was it very noticeable to anybody else but me, but somehow my consciousness had changed in such a way that in that moment I won – not my programming or conditioning.
I guess this is what we aim at, when we aim towards waking up and I wanted to share that moment with you!

* My favourite writing practice to clean out my system


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