All posts tagged: jealousy

Full Circle

Recently, magic happened. So I had this incredibly intense relationship. Which was very addictive. I have never been as deeply down in the black hole of depression, as while he was in my system but unable to approve of me or show me his love. Then there was this other woman. She became the girlfriend, while still no one was supposed to really know about me. We experienced a lot of drama and in between we connected. We both were very jealous, a lot of the time she didn’t talk to me and I was mad cause I was attempting to connect and she refused. Recently he broke up with her. And she is going through the same hell I went through. And then one day, as I was holding her in her pain she said ‘thank you’ and I realised there was nothing to thank me for, cause all I could do was help. It wasn’t a choice, it was the only way and the only truth. The woman who had symbolised (mind you, not …

Jealousy + Vulnerability

They were about to go out with his parents. I never got to meet his parents. I wasn’t girlfriend material. This little voice in my head told me I could share my jealousy by putting it on the house thread (about 30 people that I live with, including him and her). I didn’t like the idea. There were other things I could share about myself that would make me more connected to everybody, this particular bit wasn’t even the most important thing in my life. It was there, but it wasn’t all consuming. I wrote it. After a little while I also sent it. I surrendered to the voice. I’d been wanting to try doing that, to follow God all the time. Even if God made no sense whatsoever. Then I didn’t want to see him or her ever again. Ever. Exposure. Embarrassment. I got responses from house mates, I got hearts and things. He sent ‘hi Elisa’ and a blushing smiley. Five minutes later I realised I wasn’t jealous of their day, I was just jealous of the concept. I …