All posts tagged: awareness

The sex challenge

  Gosh, I have no idea how to tell you this. How on earth to tell this anyone. You know, I mentioned in my last post I’d been opening my sex. In effect what that means is, I decided to have sex – each day for 7 days (without a primary partner). I had quite fun and curious and weird and slightly disgusting and veeeery intense experiences and it opened me. I suddenly felt full and in love with everybody. I was high and very conscious for a few days. Next, I didn’t really want to meet just anyone anymore. People suddenly were gross, I got small again. I couldn’t find anybody attractive on tinder. I felt like ‘eeew – I don’t want to even talk to these people’. I knew I had to open again. Somehow we never naturally just stay open. I don’t even know what happened that changed me, that had my subconscious go ‘uh oh – this is dangerous – we need more protection’ but I know I closed when I suddenly …

Relapse

Okay – I don’t want to be writing this right now. I don’t want to share it and I don’t want you to know. … But then I want you to know you’re not alone if you’ve ever experienced something similar. And I want to bring some sanity into the world of Sex and Love Addiction. I use this term for lack of a better one – I have parts of me, that function like addicts do. I don’t want to use the word addiction as an excuse, as a problem to hide behind, and I don’t think it means I am somehow broken. But I do think some awareness of our behaviours and patterns in certain situations is useful. So while most of the time I feel plugged in with my purpose and deeply grateful for the sense of mission in my life and my connection to God (something bigger, the universe, a sense of knowing and rightness), I recently relapsed. And I am giving you an insight into my experience right IN the …

Honey

I really wish I didn’t have to post this. It’s so uncomfortable to let you know how affected I got. My idealistic mind is embarrassed I care about their sex at all. But I decided to show you all of me and all of my thoughts during this journey, so that you may find yourself inside and not think you’re crazy. And so that if you’re still in withdrawal you can have hope that you’ll get free. Like I did. Anyway, this is what felt true to me a week ago: They’re having sex right now. I can’t say I care deeply. It mostly has to do with me. I respond depending on how I currently feel… For example he called her honey on the team thread yesterday. I got hit, but mostly because I was unsettled anyway. I was grumpy and lost and THEN read that. I wrote fear inventory on it and the sadness is my little girls’, she wants to be someone’s honey. And truthfully, it doesn’t have to be him. I …

Freedom

I don’t care right now. It’s sooooooo weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd! I know everything passes. In a way I was waiting for it to pass. And I also know it’ll be back. I’ll slip. I’ll hear something, I’ll feel vulnerable and I’ll miss him. I’ll curse the universe that she has what I’ve always wanted. But right now, for some reason, I’m okay. They are in the room next to me and I don’t care. I love him, I really do. But does that mean I need to cling, to worry, to fear? I know she is afraid of loss, jealous and codependent. She wonders if she’ll ever get what she needs. Whether he’ll ever show her his love. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME! And yet – right now – I am free. Right now those things seem ridiculous. Right now I understand him. Right now I understand that relationship is not so important. Not as important as the Orgasm. Not as important as Life. Not as important as something bigger. So yea, we want to connect. We …