All posts tagged: relationship

Faking it

  I was seeing this guy and one day, with my friend’s reflection, I noticed that I was faking it. She said I wasn’t willing to open to him and I responded that I literally didn’t know how to do that – I didn’t think he had many interesting topics to talk about. As I said that, I knew that couldn’t actually be the case, I truly believe every human being has a beautiful and interesting core, but I didn’t know how to go deeper with him. When I wanted to connect to him, I talked about topics that were boring to me (his breakfast at work with colleagues for example) – why did I ask about them then? It was shocking to notice that I was faking it. I talked about things I wasn’t interested in and pretended like I was… How little faith in people I have. I don’t tell them my truth, cause I don’t think they can handle it. That means I am blocking connection.  Not they, who aren’t ready for …

Opening

So for some funny reason I’ve become the person who tells others to open – even when it hurts or even when it might hurt – all the things you want are on the other side of opening. All of them! Well, I can talk, I had the best training. You know, (if you’ve read my blog you know), that I went through hell, with a man who couldn’t show his love for me at all (except for maybe in sex). At the time I was lucky enough to be around a whole group of people who knew that we open just in order to be open – we open for ourselves rather than for anybody else or anything. So they reminded me to open even though all I expected in the face of opening was more hurt. But it wasn’t like that. I opened. I acknowledged my hurt, I showed how deeply I was affected and even though it didn’t shift things with him much, it shifted things for me. I was true. And …

Conflating sex

I had a great conversation recently with two great friends of mine. We were talking about our favourite subject – sex – what else?? He currently doesn’t have much sex, he is in a relationship and has three little kids who take a lot of attention and energy from him and his partner. He said he doesn’t mind much though, he would like more sex, yes, but it’s really no problem for him that he doesn’t have it. We believed him. And then S. wondered what had changed for him – he used to mind much more when he was younger. He answered that there had been a crucial moment in his life when he’d separated sex from getting acknowledgement or approval. And when he did that, sex wasn’t as important anymore, his self-worth wasn’t affected, it was ‘just’ sex. I realised that I had done the same when I came to Munich – I was new and had one single connection and somehow being able to connect to people and create the sex-life that …

Relapse

Okay – I don’t want to be writing this right now. I don’t want to share it and I don’t want you to know. … But then I want you to know you’re not alone if you’ve ever experienced something similar. And I want to bring some sanity into the world of Sex and Love Addiction. I use this term for lack of a better one – I have parts of me, that function like addicts do. I don’t want to use the word addiction as an excuse, as a problem to hide behind, and I don’t think it means I am somehow broken. But I do think some awareness of our behaviours and patterns in certain situations is useful. So while most of the time I feel plugged in with my purpose and deeply grateful for the sense of mission in my life and my connection to God (something bigger, the universe, a sense of knowing and rightness), I recently relapsed. And I am giving you an insight into my experience right IN the …

Full Circle

Recently, magic happened. So I had this incredibly intense relationship. Which was very addictive. I have never been as deeply down in the black hole of depression, as while he was in my system but unable to approve of me or show me his love. Then there was this other woman. She became the girlfriend, while still no one was supposed to really know about me. We experienced a lot of drama and in between we connected. We both were very jealous, a lot of the time she didn’t talk to me and I was mad cause I was attempting to connect and she refused. Recently he broke up with her. And she is going through the same hell I went through. And then one day, as I was holding her in her pain she said ‘thank you’ and I realised there was nothing to thank me for, cause all I could do was help. It wasn’t a choice, it was the only way and the only truth. The woman who had symbolised (mind you, not …

Jealousy + Vulnerability

They were about to go out with his parents. I never got to meet his parents. I wasn’t girlfriend material. This little voice in my head told me I could share my jealousy by putting it on the house thread (about 30 people that I live with, including him and her). I didn’t like the idea. There were other things I could share about myself that would make me more connected to everybody, this particular bit wasn’t even the most important thing in my life. It was there, but it wasn’t all consuming. I wrote it. After a little while I also sent it. I surrendered to the voice. I’d been wanting to try doing that, to follow God all the time. Even if God made no sense whatsoever. Then I didn’t want to see him or her ever again. Ever. Exposure. Embarrassment. I got responses from house mates, I got hearts and things. He sent ‘hi Elisa’ and a blushing smiley. Five minutes later I realised I wasn’t jealous of their day, I was just jealous of the concept. I …