All posts tagged: freedom

Surrendering to phases

I don’t even know what I’m gonna say here yet. I’m one day behind – I forgot my post yesterday – and now I look at all the subjects I’d been wanting to write about and they seem so silly. I had actually made a note, for example, of wanting to write about the time when I contemplated what it means to be addicted to sex and whether I was or not. After 2-3 days, I believe, I came to this place inside of me that really didn’t need sex at all and I felt lightly amused that I had been so significant about the whole contemplation in the first place. As a result of the resulting lightness around sex – the landing in ‘not needing it’ – I had way more and my experience around it was even more fluid and fun. That’s a great topic, except, …then I did what I tend to do, which is getting comfy with one partner. So I had a lot of great sex with one person and then …

Relapse

Okay – I don’t want to be writing this right now. I don’t want to share it and I don’t want you to know. … But then I want you to know you’re not alone if you’ve ever experienced something similar. And I want to bring some sanity into the world of Sex and Love Addiction. I use this term for lack of a better one – I have parts of me, that function like addicts do. I don’t want to use the word addiction as an excuse, as a problem to hide behind, and I don’t think it means I am somehow broken. But I do think some awareness of our behaviours and patterns in certain situations is useful. So while most of the time I feel plugged in with my purpose and deeply grateful for the sense of mission in my life and my connection to God (something bigger, the universe, a sense of knowing and rightness), I recently relapsed. And I am giving you an insight into my experience right IN the …

OM and Parents = Orgasm

It’s now end of July. Almost two months ago I received an email from my Mum saying, amongst other things, that she loves me, and she’ll miss me but we won’t be hearing from each other much in the future, because she’s so confronted by my life style and everything I do around OM. Then I cried. Two hours later I surrendered. I felt that this was a phase change and the difficult phase wasn’t going to last forever. I suddenly trusted the Orgasm, and while it overtly didn’t get any better between us it still felt like progress. It’s almost as if when you’re plugged into the orgasm it’s impossible to go backwards. I was so grateful then for having found something that could be so big in my life that it would be able to absorb that experience of almost losing a parent but not really. That I had found something to have so much faith in, that I would surrender. Today I’m going towards my home town. And I’m thinking about my …

Jealousy + Vulnerability

They were about to go out with his parents. I never got to meet his parents. I wasn’t girlfriend material. This little voice in my head told me I could share my jealousy by putting it on the house thread (about 30 people that I live with, including him and her). I didn’t like the idea. There were other things I could share about myself that would make me more connected to everybody, this particular bit wasn’t even the most important thing in my life. It was there, but it wasn’t all consuming. I wrote it. After a little while I also sent it. I surrendered to the voice. I’d been wanting to try doing that, to follow God all the time. Even if God made no sense whatsoever. Then I didn’t want to see him or her ever again. Ever. Exposure. Embarrassment. I got responses from house mates, I got hearts and things. He sent ‘hi Elisa’ and a blushing smiley. Five minutes later I realised I wasn’t jealous of their day, I was just jealous of the concept. I …

Freedom

I don’t care right now. It’s sooooooo weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd! I know everything passes. In a way I was waiting for it to pass. And I also know it’ll be back. I’ll slip. I’ll hear something, I’ll feel vulnerable and I’ll miss him. I’ll curse the universe that she has what I’ve always wanted. But right now, for some reason, I’m okay. They are in the room next to me and I don’t care. I love him, I really do. But does that mean I need to cling, to worry, to fear? I know she is afraid of loss, jealous and codependent. She wonders if she’ll ever get what she needs. Whether he’ll ever show her his love. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME! And yet – right now – I am free. Right now those things seem ridiculous. Right now I understand him. Right now I understand that relationship is not so important. Not as important as the Orgasm. Not as important as Life. Not as important as something bigger. So yea, we want to connect. We …