All posts tagged: breakup

Jealousy + Vulnerability

They were about to go out with his parents. I never got to meet his parents. I wasn’t girlfriend material. This little voice in my head told me I could share my jealousy by putting it on the house thread (about 30 people that I live with, including him and her). I didn’t like the idea. There were other things I could share about myself that would make me more connected to everybody, this particular bit wasn’t even the most important thing in my life. It was there, but it wasn’t all consuming. I wrote it. After a little while I also sent it. I surrendered to the voice. I’d been wanting to try doing that, to follow God all the time. Even if God made no sense whatsoever. Then I didn’t want to see him or her ever again. Ever. Exposure. Embarrassment. I got responses from house mates, I got hearts and things. He sent ‘hi Elisa’ and a blushing smiley. Five minutes later I realised I wasn’t jealous of their day, I was just jealous of the concept. I …

Honey

I really wish I didn’t have to post this. It’s so uncomfortable to let you know how affected I got. My idealistic mind is embarrassed I care about their sex at all. But I decided to show you all of me and all of my thoughts during this journey, so that you may find yourself inside and not think you’re crazy. And so that if you’re still in withdrawal you can have hope that you’ll get free. Like I did. Anyway, this is what felt true to me a week ago: They’re having sex right now. I can’t say I care deeply. It mostly has to do with me. I respond depending on how I currently feel… For example he called her honey on the team thread yesterday. I got hit, but mostly because I was unsettled anyway. I was grumpy and lost and THEN read that. I wrote fear inventory on it and the sadness is my little girls’, she wants to be someone’s honey. And truthfully, it doesn’t have to be him. I …

Freedom

I don’t care right now. It’s sooooooo weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd! I know everything passes. In a way I was waiting for it to pass. And I also know it’ll be back. I’ll slip. I’ll hear something, I’ll feel vulnerable and I’ll miss him. I’ll curse the universe that she has what I’ve always wanted. But right now, for some reason, I’m okay. They are in the room next to me and I don’t care. I love him, I really do. But does that mean I need to cling, to worry, to fear? I know she is afraid of loss, jealous and codependent. She wonders if she’ll ever get what she needs. Whether he’ll ever show her his love. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME! And yet – right now – I am free. Right now those things seem ridiculous. Right now I understand him. Right now I understand that relationship is not so important. Not as important as the Orgasm. Not as important as Life. Not as important as something bigger. So yea, we want to connect. We …

Accessing a part of me…

I am opening this tender, tender spot in me. It is absolutely terrifying. When I think about opening it to anybody but the one person I’ve opened it to before, I cry. When I think about the person that somehow was able to instantly access that part of me, on a very visceral level, I cry, too. I don’t want to open that part of me. No one is supposed to even know it’s there. It’s so vulnerable. And yet, somehow opening it to lay bare at the feet of God’s creation, for everyone to step on or to admire it, seems like my task. between 22 and 27 of March 2014 Sign up for my Orgasmic Newsletter

The morning after…

The day before yesterday I got broken up with. In the morning. I died. Yesterday morning I suddenly had this insight that I’m meant to write. Out of nowhere. Or not, because that’s what break ups do, they put you more in touch with God. Or your true higher self. Or your Buddha nature. The universe. Whatever you want to call it. You get to get back to you. And if you only get still enough to listen, in the midst of all this sadness just listen, then you’ll get little hints of inspiration. Little voices that you probably couldn’t hear before. Yesterday I crouched under the shower and cried. And then I just lay in bed and stared. Eventually I made an outreach call. Then I had a job I needed to do, I didn’t want to let people down. So I did it, partially crying. Then I had a chat. About how special my current location is. How we feel this intensely only every five years. And that the right next thing would …