Alle Artikel mit dem Schlagwort: awakening

Vision-less

Veröffentlicht von elisakluever

Okay. So IF you are unclear of the vision it might be because you are stepping into a whole new and unknown place.  Usually, in life, you get to live at the top and the bottom of everything you already know*. And you get to rearrange everything that you know so that it looks like it’s new. But really you stay within a certain range of happiness and pain that you can feel and the amount of life you get to live is limited.  So IF you lean into the unknown, the genuinely unknown, it’ll feel scary. And you won’t have a vision. Because you really don’t know. Shifting from a finite reality into an infinite one will not look any of the ways you know things to look like. It’ll genuinely be new. And your mind will not know what to think. I wrote this morning to a dear friend that I feel like I am in this beautiful bardo, where I’d usually put an addiction into the emptiness that I sense and at …

Desire and Self-Love

Veröffentlicht von elisakluever

I’d like to give you a really clear blog post right now. But I’m not just there yet. I’m in the middle of a journey, a journey to more self-love. There’s a man I love and when he told me he doesn’t want to spend time with me because he rather spends it on his purpose I hurt. I hurt cause I didn’t feel valued for who I am and what I bring. To me spending time with loved ones is time spent on one’s purpose, because relating always grows me, unless I do it too much and don’t get enough practical things done for my purpose. After a long while of crunchy anger, resentment and a feeling of being stuck I finally surrendered to not having the relationship be what I wanted it to be and I hit the bottom of the down. That’s where the down became beautiful again. That’s where I found God. That’s where I felt me and my desire for a certain kind of relationship. In the surrender to the …

Honey

Veröffentlicht von elisakluever

I really wish I didn’t have to post this. It’s so uncomfortable to let you know how affected I got. My idealistic mind is embarrassed I care about their sex at all. But I decided to show you all of me and all of my thoughts during this journey, so that you may find yourself inside and not think you’re crazy. And so that if you’re still in withdrawal you can have hope that you’ll get free. Like I did. Anyway, this is what felt true to me a week ago: They’re having sex right now. I can’t say I care deeply. It mostly has to do with me. I respond depending on how I currently feel… For example he called her honey on the team thread yesterday. I got hit, but mostly because I was unsettled anyway. I was grumpy and lost and THEN read that. I wrote fear inventory on it and the sadness is my little girls’, she wants to be someone’s honey. And truthfully, it doesn’t have to be him. I …

Freedom

Veröffentlicht von elisakluever

I don’t care right now. It’s sooooooo weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd! I know everything passes. In a way I was waiting for it to pass. And I also know it’ll be back. I’ll slip. I’ll hear something, I’ll feel vulnerable and I’ll miss him. I’ll curse the universe that she has what I’ve always wanted. But right now, for some reason, I’m okay. They are in the room next to me and I don’t care. I love him, I really do. But does that mean I need to cling, to worry, to fear? I know she is afraid of loss, jealous and codependent. She wonders if she’ll ever get what she needs. Whether he’ll ever show her his love. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME! And yet – right now – I am free. Right now those things seem ridiculous. Right now I understand him. Right now I understand that relationship is not so important. Not as important as the Orgasm. Not as important as Life. Not as important as something bigger. So yea, we want to connect. We …