Relapse

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Okay – I don’t want to be writing this right now.
I don’t want to share it and I don’t want you to know.
… But then I want you to know you’re not alone if you’ve ever experienced something similar. And I want to bring some sanity into the world of Sex and Love Addiction.

I use this term for lack of a better one – I have parts of me, that function like addicts do. I don’t want to use the word addiction as an excuse, as a problem to hide behind, and I don’t think it means I am somehow broken. But I do think some awareness of our behaviours and patterns in certain situations is useful.

So while most of the time I feel plugged in with my purpose and deeply grateful for the sense of mission in my life and my connection to God (something bigger, the universe, a sense of knowing and rightness), I recently relapsed.

And I am giving you an insight into my experience right IN the relapse, because if you’re an addict, you’re gonna know. And you’re gonna wanna know how to get out of it. If not, no need for you to read further this time 🙂

While I was (what I called) relapsing, I wrote this:

It feels like I’m hooked again. Again my world mostly revolves around him. Munich and Orgasm and TurnON have somewhat lost their flavour. I don’t want to go back. The men there are boring. My life is boring without getting this thing that I need.

And while I was in the experience of the relapse, I could also see my progress over the past few months – I’d gotten more aware. I knew it was an addiction and I challenged my addictive experience of life while I was having it, massively.

Everything revolves around him and how we’re going to relate these next few days and it feels pretty toxic.
It must feel awful for him.
This is not pure relating the way God intended it. And I was out and clear for a minute and now I’m kinda sliding back in. I know I can’t be like that, but I don’t know how to not care as much. How do you reinsert God into a place where you’ve already put addiction? 

I feel bad for being that person to him, it’s not freeing and it’s not unconditional and it’s dependent! I won’t let him carry that, I promise this much.

I don’t know how to reignite my true self. And my passion. And God. How do I find God? 

I guess I’m in touch right now. As I am earnestly seeking. As I am contemplating who I don’t want to be, I am choosing to be someone else. I guess that is God coming through already.

Hey God.
Thanks for being here.
Can I just give it over to you?
Can you just come through?
I desire you!
I desire to let go and be in touch with you!
I desire you more than the drug. I desire you more than him. 

I have this wonky sense that You would be in our sex also.
But hell, I’m hookable. 

I don’t honour You and life when I’m in my addiction. I forget about others, I can’t see the beauty and I put weight on a being I love – I put the weight that You’re supposed to carry on him.

It’s pretty horrible.
I want to help others.
I want more people to have access to You. I want to stop emotional suffering on the planet.
I can’t let

And there I stopped.
I think I probably got distracted by something else there.
But reading the last lines, I think I got free there already. It probably still hurt, but I got free.
I know, because I have been free ever since.

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