I really wish I didn’t have to post this. It’s so uncomfortable to let you know how affected I got. My idealistic mind is embarrassed I care about their sex at all. But I decided to show you all of me and all of my thoughts during this journey, so that you may find yourself inside and not think you’re crazy. And so that if you’re still in withdrawal you can have hope that you’ll get free. Like I did.
Anyway, this is what felt true to me a week ago:
They’re having sex right now. I can’t say I care deeply.
It mostly has to do with me. I respond depending on how I currently feel…
For example he called her honey on the team thread yesterday. I got hit, but mostly because I was unsettled anyway. I was grumpy and lost and THEN read that.
I wrote fear inventory on it and the sadness is my little girls’, she wants to be someone’s honey. And truthfully, it doesn’t have to be him. I talked to her, I called her honey and it felt so good.
I’m starting to notice her more, know when it’s her who is acting or thinking, I speak her voice more and own it more. When I know it’s her voice I seem to be able to utter it much more responsibly than when I just let her come through. When she simply acts without my knowledge it gets messy. But when I know it’s her, then my woman can make my little girl’s communication. Or, in this case, communicate to her. Look after her.
It feels good.
Right little one?
15. April 2014
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