All posts filed under: general

Welcome to my Blog!

It’s about the things I care most about: Waking Up and Connection

This blog is not for everyone. It’s not comfortable, and it’s not easy. I am not writing it to be easily digestible, I am writing to go deeper in the processes I’m going through while writing about them. AND I am writing it so that YOU may find yourself in it. If you are one of the people who understand. Or one of the people who feel something while reading – even if your head doesn’t agree yet. Welcome to you!

I love life, I experience it intensely; and I seek to be awake rather than asleep in it. I choose circumstances that aren’t usually comfortable but instead do enable growth. My deepest desire is to serve people who are finding their power and want to tune in with it more, who want to be awake and vibrant, who want to be in their purpose as well as own their sexuality and use its’ power for creation.

If you identify as one of those, please do get in touch and I will change your life!

Email to elisa@orgasmic-meditation.de and mention “Wake Up”!

And if you want to receive my Orgasmic Newsletter (just as personal as my Blog), please subscribe underneath

With Love,
Elisa

Full Circle

Recently, magic happened. So I had this incredibly intense relationship. Which was very addictive. I have never been as deeply down in the black hole of depression, as while he was in my system but unable to approve of me or show me his love. Then there was this other woman. She became the girlfriend, while still no one was supposed to really know about me. We experienced a lot of drama and in between we connected. We both were very jealous, a lot of the time she didn’t talk to me and I was mad cause I was attempting to connect and she refused. Recently he broke up with her. And she is going through the same hell I went through. And then one day, as I was holding her in her pain she said ‘thank you’ and I realised there was nothing to thank me for, cause all I could do was help. It wasn’t a choice, it was the only way and the only truth. The woman who had symbolised (mind you, not …

Desire and Self-Love

I’d like to give you a really clear blog post right now. But I’m not just there yet. I’m in the middle of a journey, a journey to more self-love. There’s a man I love and when he told me he doesn’t want to spend time with me because he rather spends it on his purpose I hurt. I hurt cause I didn’t feel valued for who I am and what I bring. To me spending time with loved ones is time spent on one’s purpose, because relating always grows me, unless I do it too much and don’t get enough practical things done for my purpose. After a long while of crunchy anger, resentment and a feeling of being stuck I finally surrendered to not having the relationship be what I wanted it to be and I hit the bottom of the down. That’s where the down became beautiful again. That’s where I found God. That’s where I felt me and my desire for a certain kind of relationship. In the surrender to the …

OM and Parents = Orgasm

It’s now end of July. Almost two months ago I received an email from my Mum saying, amongst other things, that she loves me, and she’ll miss me but we won’t be hearing from each other much in the future, because she’s so confronted by my life style and everything I do around OM. Then I cried. Two hours later I surrendered. I felt that this was a phase change and the difficult phase wasn’t going to last forever. I suddenly trusted the Orgasm, and while it overtly didn’t get any better between us it still felt like progress. It’s almost as if when you’re plugged into the orgasm it’s impossible to go backwards. I was so grateful then for having found something that could be so big in my life that it would be able to absorb that experience of almost losing a parent but not really. That I had found something to have so much faith in, that I would surrender. Today I’m going towards my home town. And I’m thinking about my …

Jealousy + Vulnerability

They were about to go out with his parents. I never got to meet his parents. I wasn’t girlfriend material. This little voice in my head told me I could share my jealousy by putting it on the house thread (about 30 people that I live with, including him and her). I didn’t like the idea. There were other things I could share about myself that would make me more connected to everybody, this particular bit wasn’t even the most important thing in my life. It was there, but it wasn’t all consuming. I wrote it. After a little while I also sent it. I surrendered to the voice. I’d been wanting to try doing that, to follow God all the time. Even if God made no sense whatsoever. Then I didn’t want to see him or her ever again. Ever. Exposure. Embarrassment. I got responses from house mates, I got hearts and things. He sent ‘hi Elisa’ and a blushing smiley. Five minutes later I realised I wasn’t jealous of their day, I was just jealous of the concept. I …

Honey

I really wish I didn’t have to post this. It’s so uncomfortable to let you know how affected I got. My idealistic mind is embarrassed I care about their sex at all. But I decided to show you all of me and all of my thoughts during this journey, so that you may find yourself inside and not think you’re crazy. And so that if you’re still in withdrawal you can have hope that you’ll get free. Like I did. Anyway, this is what felt true to me a week ago: They’re having sex right now. I can’t say I care deeply. It mostly has to do with me. I respond depending on how I currently feel… For example he called her honey on the team thread yesterday. I got hit, but mostly because I was unsettled anyway. I was grumpy and lost and THEN read that. I wrote fear inventory on it and the sadness is my little girls’, she wants to be someone’s honey. And truthfully, it doesn’t have to be him. I …

Freedom

I don’t care right now. It’s sooooooo weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd! I know everything passes. In a way I was waiting for it to pass. And I also know it’ll be back. I’ll slip. I’ll hear something, I’ll feel vulnerable and I’ll miss him. I’ll curse the universe that she has what I’ve always wanted. But right now, for some reason, I’m okay. They are in the room next to me and I don’t care. I love him, I really do. But does that mean I need to cling, to worry, to fear? I know she is afraid of loss, jealous and codependent. She wonders if she’ll ever get what she needs. Whether he’ll ever show her his love. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME! And yet – right now – I am free. Right now those things seem ridiculous. Right now I understand him. Right now I understand that relationship is not so important. Not as important as the Orgasm. Not as important as Life. Not as important as something bigger. So yea, we want to connect. We …

Accessing a part of me…

I am opening this tender, tender spot in me. It is absolutely terrifying. When I think about opening it to anybody but the one person I’ve opened it to before, I cry. When I think about the person that somehow was able to instantly access that part of me, on a very visceral level, I cry, too. I don’t want to open that part of me. No one is supposed to even know it’s there. It’s so vulnerable. And yet, somehow opening it to lay bare at the feet of God’s creation, for everyone to step on or to admire it, seems like my task. between 22 and 27 of March 2014 Sign up for my Orgasmic Newsletter

An alchemist’s heartbreak

I reread ‘an alchemists heartbreak’ by Nicole Daedone. It’s the thing to read when you hurt so much that you can’t remember what the point is. Any point. http://nicoledaedone.com/an-alchemists-heartbreak/ I commented: “I have nothing to say, in this space there is nothing to say, but to express my gratitude. I don’t know which of the words are the ones that are actually soothing, but somehow I don’t feel alone anymore. I didn’t want God to lift it. I wanted to hold on to the pain because that was all I could hold on to. Maybe some day the love that is in that pain, the length and ferocity of it will be enough. Maybe some day he’ll see and he’ll know we are meant to be together. I understand I have to let go, now, I do. I’ll do that in an hour or two.” 20 March 2014   Sign up for my Orgasmic Newsletter

The morning after…

The day before yesterday I got broken up with. In the morning. I died. Yesterday morning I suddenly had this insight that I’m meant to write. Out of nowhere. Or not, because that’s what break ups do, they put you more in touch with God. Or your true higher self. Or your Buddha nature. The universe. Whatever you want to call it. You get to get back to you. And if you only get still enough to listen, in the midst of all this sadness just listen, then you’ll get little hints of inspiration. Little voices that you probably couldn’t hear before. Yesterday I crouched under the shower and cried. And then I just lay in bed and stared. Eventually I made an outreach call. Then I had a job I needed to do, I didn’t want to let people down. So I did it, partially crying. Then I had a chat. About how special my current location is. How we feel this intensely only every five years. And that the right next thing would …