Month: April 2014

Honey

I really wish I didn’t have to post this. It’s so uncomfortable to let you know how affected I got. My idealistic mind is embarrassed I care about their sex at all. But I decided to show you all of me and all of my thoughts during this journey, so that you may find yourself inside and not think you’re crazy. And so that if you’re still in withdrawal you can have hope that you’ll get free. Like I did. Anyway, this is what felt true to me a week ago: They’re having sex right now. I can’t say I care deeply. It mostly has to do with me. I respond depending on how I currently feel… For example he called her honey on the team thread yesterday. I got hit, but mostly because I was unsettled anyway. I was grumpy and lost and THEN read that. I wrote fear inventory on it and the sadness is my little girls’, she wants to be someone’s honey. And truthfully, it doesn’t have to be him. I …

Freedom

I don’t care right now. It’s sooooooo weeeeeiiiiiiiirrrrrrrd! I know everything passes. In a way I was waiting for it to pass. And I also know it’ll be back. I’ll slip. I’ll hear something, I’ll feel vulnerable and I’ll miss him. I’ll curse the universe that she has what I’ve always wanted. But right now, for some reason, I’m okay. They are in the room next to me and I don’t care. I love him, I really do. But does that mean I need to cling, to worry, to fear? I know she is afraid of loss, jealous and codependent. She wonders if she’ll ever get what she needs. Whether he’ll ever show her his love. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME! And yet – right now – I am free. Right now those things seem ridiculous. Right now I understand him. Right now I understand that relationship is not so important. Not as important as the Orgasm. Not as important as Life. Not as important as something bigger. So yea, we want to connect. We …

Accessing a part of me…

I am opening this tender, tender spot in me. It is absolutely terrifying. When I think about opening it to anybody but the one person I’ve opened it to before, I cry. When I think about the person that somehow was able to instantly access that part of me, on a very visceral level, I cry, too. I don’t want to open that part of me. No one is supposed to even know it’s there. It’s so vulnerable. And yet, somehow opening it to lay bare at the feet of God’s creation, for everyone to step on or to admire it, seems like my task. between 22 and 27 of March 2014 Sign up for my Orgasmic Newsletter

An alchemist’s heartbreak

I reread ‘an alchemists heartbreak’ by Nicole Daedone. It’s the thing to read when you hurt so much that you can’t remember what the point is. Any point. http://nicoledaedone.com/an-alchemists-heartbreak/ I commented: “I have nothing to say, in this space there is nothing to say, but to express my gratitude. I don’t know which of the words are the ones that are actually soothing, but somehow I don’t feel alone anymore. I didn’t want God to lift it. I wanted to hold on to the pain because that was all I could hold on to. Maybe some day the love that is in that pain, the length and ferocity of it will be enough. Maybe some day he’ll see and he’ll know we are meant to be together. I understand I have to let go, now, I do. I’ll do that in an hour or two.” 20 March 2014   Sign up for my Orgasmic Newsletter

The morning after…

The day before yesterday I got broken up with. In the morning. I died. Yesterday morning I suddenly had this insight that I’m meant to write. Out of nowhere. Or not, because that’s what break ups do, they put you more in touch with God. Or your true higher self. Or your Buddha nature. The universe. Whatever you want to call it. You get to get back to you. And if you only get still enough to listen, in the midst of all this sadness just listen, then you’ll get little hints of inspiration. Little voices that you probably couldn’t hear before. Yesterday I crouched under the shower and cried. And then I just lay in bed and stared. Eventually I made an outreach call. Then I had a job I needed to do, I didn’t want to let people down. So I did it, partially crying. Then I had a chat. About how special my current location is. How we feel this intensely only every five years. And that the right next thing would …