Waking Up

- By A Turned On Woman






…These Past Years…

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I have changed a lot these past two years with my OM practice and the general work on myself that I’ve been doing. I guess you call it ‘self-development’ – I prefer calling it ‘getting free’ or ‘waking up’.

I noticed how I’ve changed in a very subtle way over New Year.
We spent New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day at a friend’s house in the countryside.
Around noon on January the first I was so happy to be there, so at peace, I’d slept long, it was warm and homely and full of children – I was feeding on lush oranges and avocado and felt healthy and like I had time to write and reflect and be curled up inside a house far away from the city with 30cm of snow around….
I was happy.

In the early evening, I got restless.
I felt the restlessness and attempted to explain it: restlessness was there, because I wasn’t ‘performing well’, I was only hanging out, I wasn’t ‘getting shit done’. I couldn’t really remember what my purpose was, anyway, nor did I feel very connected to anyone or anything.

And this is where I could see how I’ve changed, cause I saw the usual synapses firing, the usual patterns trying to run and yet somehow I stayed an observer (I guess this is what Tolle suggests, it happened comparatively naturally for me this time). I told myself ‘Elisa, you’re trying to look for a problem where there is none. Give it up, you don’t need to create a problem. You can just be okay and happy here.’

Then I wrote inventory* and cleared the stuff out completely, I finished with a list of things I could and wanted to do right there from my laptop, and I was back in touch with who I am and what I want to do with my life.

It wasn’t a very pleasant moment, nor was it very noticeable to anybody else but me, but somehow my consciousness had changed in such a way that in that moment I won – not my programming or conditioning.
I guess this is what we aim at, when we aim towards waking up and I wanted to share that moment with you!

* My favourite writing practice to clean out my system

 

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The sex challenge

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Gosh, I have no idea how to tell you this. How on earth to tell this anyone.
You know, I mentioned in my last post I’d been opening my sex. In effect what that means is, I decided to have sex – each day for 7 days (without a primary partner).
I had quite fun and curious and weird and slightly disgusting and veeeery intense experiences and it opened me. I suddenly felt full and in love with everybody. I was high and very conscious for a few days.

Next, I didn’t really want to meet just anyone anymore. People suddenly were gross, I got small again. I couldn’t find anybody attractive on tinder. I felt like ‘eeew – I don’t want to even talk to these people’.

I knew I had to open again. Somehow we never naturally just stay open. I don’t even know what happened that changed me, that had my subconscious go ‘uh oh – this is dangerous – we need more protection’ but I know I closed when I suddenly start finding people disgusting. Like, EVERYBODY!
We seem to automatically grow protective layers…

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that open and been out in the world before, but it’s scary.
That’s why most people hide inside under blankets and avoid getting in touch, almost at all cost, when they feel that raw. Like after a break up, or a big fight or the death of a loved one – you stay at home and lick your wounds. Even after soul shaking sex or any moment somebody has seen the deepest insides of you, you feel uncomfortably open and usually stay in hiding until the layers grew back.

So eventually I went and did what works for me, I went and had sex even when I didn’t feel like it. I did it like a practice, knowing it’s something that works to open me, without necessarily wanting to. Like you go to the Gym or do Yoga or meditate when you don’t want to, because you know it will help.
And it did, but it’ll be a continuous effort.
Being in a constant state of awareness and bliss and love towards everything and everybody that is takes some effort!

 

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Heart Chakra vs. Sex Chakra


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I’ve been opening my sex.
And it had the most extraordinary result.
I’m in love.
I opened the base and the sacral chakra, and in the process my heart chakra expanded.

I just visited a friend who has done the heart work – the connecting through the eyes kind of stuff – for a very long time. He is good at it, in his field kind of a guru.
He used to challenge the sex focus of my work. He said the heart needed to be involved in the sex, else we were unhealthily focused. And that may be true.

What I see often in ‘spiritual’ people is that they are focussing too much on the heart and the compassion side of things and their base and sacral chakras are completely underdeveloped. They are not nurturing or harnessing one of the most powerful energies there is. As a result they often seem unstable – they are idealists with no power.

These past days, I realised I will be able to respond to their challenges now. The challenge of being overly sex focused, just as I was challenging them to be overly heart focused has dissolved for me as I am in love right now. I am in love, so in love with every human being.
I have hit this state before, of course, but the way I got here is new:
I opened my sex!

And here I am, I allowed much more sexual power to come in, I connected more unconditionally to others in sex and suddenly I feel ripe and full – like a sun kissed peach that’s about to burst with juicy sweet flesh under velvety pink and apricot-coloured skin.
And all I can do is love. There is nothing left. I let the energy come into my being through the base and the sacral chakra and of course it went up and right into and through the heart. Of course it did, I feel silly I didn’t see the necessity of this before, where else on earth was it gonna go??

Sexual power is power, it’s life force, it’s energy, of course it moves and doesn’t stay stuck if you let it run free, and of course it moves up, cause that’s the natural direction all things go.
I kept following my path because it felt right, never responding much to the sex-focus-challenge of the heart-focused people, but now I can say: heart focused people, open your base and your sex and you will love. It’s inevitable.

 

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Faking it

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I was seeing this guy and one day, with my friend’s reflection, I noticed that I was faking it.

She said I wasn’t willing to open to him and I responded that I literally didn’t know how to do that – I didn’t think he had many interesting topics to talk about.
As I said that, I knew that couldn’t actually be the case, I truly believe every human being has a beautiful and interesting core, but I didn’t know how to go deeper with him.

When I wanted to connect to him, I talked about topics that were boring to me (his breakfast at work with colleagues for example) – why did I ask about them then?

It was shocking to notice that I was faking it. I talked about things I wasn’t interested in and pretended like I was… How little faith in people I have. I don’t tell them my truth, cause I don’t think they can handle it. That means I am blocking connection. 
Not they, who aren’t ready for it, but me, who doesn’t try them…

It was also relieving to notice I was faking it, because it means I can fix it!
I went and told him straight away that I’d been faking it and we went down and got real and connected – it felt clear and true – like the taste of blood in your mouth.

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Surrendering to phases

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I don’t even know what I’m gonna say here yet.
I’m one day behind – I forgot my post yesterday – and now I look at all the subjects I’d been wanting to write about and they seem so silly.

I had actually made a note, for example, of wanting to write about the time when I contemplated what it means to be addicted to sex and whether I was or not. After 2-3 days, I believe, I came to this place inside of me that really didn’t need sex at all and I felt lightly amused that I had been so significant about the whole contemplation in the first place. As a result of the resulting lightness around sex – the landing in ‘not needing it’ – I had way more and my experience around it was even more fluid and fun.

That’s a great topic, except, …then I did what I tend to do, which is getting comfy with one partner. So I had a lot of great sex with one person and then we went deeper and he really ultimately wants monogamy and I don’t and anyway, I got some of my crazy attached patterns out because that’s what I usually do when I’ve been having too much sex with one person and now we hardly have any.
There.

Now I could obsess about the lack of sex again, but that’s not really it. I actually do feel confident that I can just have it. I’ve got enough power, I speak my desire and it manifests – no problem.

So I’ve been dealing with that part of mine that keeps coming out, with the desire for comfort – my overly attached girlfriend persona. Oh my, I’m so embarrassed I have her. And she takes up energy from my purpose and other areas in my life that I care about.

I think that may be one of her roles – to keep me safe in mediocrity, to not take too many risks and lead a too unusual life – because – damn, that’s dangerous. People will be confronted and then not like me and then I’ll end up with an outrageous life and no friends whatsoever.
Scared in there much, Elisa??

I think she will always be there to protect me from too much freedom and too much purpose and at the same time I want those things.

So I’m gonna learn how to handle her!

I believe she could do with more orgasm, more OM and more sex with different people – so she doesn’t even get the chance to attach herself to just one person. I’m gonna focus on that as an exercise for me to open myself and my orgasm and be able to connect more and give more and love more.

Let’s surrender to the current phase, Elisa, shall we?

 

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Opening

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So for some funny reason I’ve become the person who tells others to open – even when it hurts or even when it might hurt – all the things you want are on the other side of opening. All of them!

Well, I can talk, I had the best training.
You know, (if you’ve read my blog you know), that I went through hell, with a man who couldn’t show his love for me at all (except for maybe in sex). At the time I was lucky enough to be around a whole group of people who knew that we open just in order to be open – we open for ourselves rather than for anybody else or anything.
So they reminded me to open even though all I expected in the face of opening was more hurt.

But it wasn’t like that. I opened. I acknowledged my hurt, I showed how deeply I was affected and even though it didn’t shift things with him much, it shifted things for me.
I was true. And I felt the purity of it. The acknowledging of opening and pain had me be closer to me, I didn’t deny these parts of me that felt so deeply, I didn’t avoid feeling them, I was just there, right in the moment and felt it all.

Now I know opening in the face of anger/hatred/rejection/whatever it might be feels waaaaay better than not.
I have built a ‘heart-open-muscle’. Thanks to M.

I recently reconnected with a woman who is very close to me and who things had been really scratchy with – and we both told each other what we were grateful for.
You know what she chose of all my qualities to mention?
My ability to stay open when I get hit.
I almost choked, as it hadn’t ever seemed like she’d received me in those times, when I opened and acknowledged my hurt, and here she was and it was the thing she chose to be grateful for of all possible things…

People have the chance to touch me. I let them in.
I am connectable.
A person who closes off to protect themselves is dangerous to connect to – if not impossible.

I am able to have my heart touched. I rather feel, connect and then hurt than not feel, connect and hurt at all. It’s all life and it’s all love and I want it all. And I want you to have it, too. So the person who is breaking your heart right now – be grateful to them! They’re breaking it open for you!

 

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Conflating sex

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I had a great conversation recently with two great friends of mine.
We were talking about our favourite subject – sex – what else??

He currently doesn’t have much sex, he is in a relationship and has three little kids who take a lot of attention and energy from him and his partner.
He said he doesn’t mind much though, he would like more sex, yes, but it’s really no problem for him that he doesn’t have it.

We believed him.
And then S. wondered what had changed for him – he used to mind much more when he was younger.
He answered that there had been a crucial moment in his life when he’d separated sex from getting acknowledgement or approval. And when he did that, sex wasn’t as important anymore, his self-worth wasn’t affected, it was ‘just’ sex.

I realised that I had done the same when I came to Munich – I was new and had one single connection and somehow being able to connect to people and create the sex-life that I wanted was proof for me of my power and magic, of my ability to create things from nothing and of the accumulation of orgasm in my body. I didn’t ‘just’ want sex – I wanted to know I could have it – with everything that I associated, the ability to easily connect to people and to create magic, or in other words, say what I want in life and then having it!

As we chatted about it I noticed that I had recently taken those two things apart. I had seriously considered having a break from sex for a long while altogether and in that process (wich felt uncomfortable at first and then turned into seemingly not a big deal at all), must have disassociated having sex from it being proof of my power to create life the way I want it.
It had just become sex.

Suffice it to say, since then I have more sex and it comes much more easily ;)

 

 

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Relapse

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Okay – I don’t want to be writing this right now.
I don’t want to share it and I don’t want you to know.
… But then I want you to know you’re not alone if you’ve ever experienced something similar. And I want to bring some sanity into the world of Sex and Love Addiction.

I use this term for lack of a better one – I have parts of me, that function like addicts do. I don’t want to use the word addiction as an excuse, as a problem to hide behind, and I don’t think it means I am somehow broken. But I do think some awareness of our behaviours and patterns in certain situations is useful.

So while most of the time I feel plugged in with my purpose and deeply grateful for the sense of mission in my life and my connection to God (something bigger, the universe, a sense of knowing and rightness), I recently relapsed.

And I am giving you an insight into my experience right IN the relapse, because if you’re an addict, you’re gonna know. And you’re gonna wanna know how to get out of it. If not, no need for you to read further this time :)

While I was (what I called) relapsing, I wrote this:

It feels like I’m hooked again. Again my world mostly revolves around him. Munich and Orgasm and TurnON have somewhat lost their flavour. I don’t want to go back. The men there are boring. My life is boring without getting this thing that I need.

And while I was in the experience of the relapse, I could also see my progress over the past few months – I’d gotten more aware. I knew it was an addiction and I challenged my addictive experience of life while I was having it, massively.

Everything revolves around him and how we’re going to relate these next few days and it feels pretty toxic.
It must feel awful for him.
This is not pure relating the way God intended it. And I was out and clear for a minute and now I’m kinda sliding back in. I know I can’t be like that, but I don’t know how to not care as much. How do you reinsert God into a place where you’ve already put addiction? 

I feel bad for being that person to him, it’s not freeing and it’s not unconditional and it’s dependent! I won’t let him carry that, I promise this much.

I don’t know how to reignite my true self. And my passion. And God. How do I find God? 

I guess I’m in touch right now. As I am earnestly seeking. As I am contemplating who I don’t want to be, I am choosing to be someone else. I guess that is God coming through already.

Hey God.
Thanks for being here.
Can I just give it over to you?
Can you just come through?
I desire you!
I desire to let go and be in touch with you!
I desire you more than the drug. I desire you more than him. 

I have this wonky sense that You would be in our sex also.
But hell, I’m hookable. 

I don’t honour You and life when I’m in my addiction. I forget about others, I can’t see the beauty and I put weight on a being I love – I put the weight that You’re supposed to carry on him.

It’s pretty horrible.
I want to help others.
I want more people to have access to You. I want to stop emotional suffering on the planet.
I can’t let

And there I stopped.
I think I probably got distracted by something else there.
But reading the last lines, I think I got free there already. It probably still hurt, but I got free.
I know, because I have been free ever since.

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Coming back up

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Sometimes life is just too good.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the sheer goodness of it.

I did go down recently. I went all the way down and life was grey, so grey and I was unhappy.
and now I am coming back up and things I wanted are happening. Everything is coming together and the sky is grey also, but I couldn’t be happier.

I think it’s connected.
My willingness to go down does enable me to go all the way up.

And so I am hitting this moment again, you know, the one when you look at the cloud formations in the sky and you realise just what a gift life is?

 

21 August 2014

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Vision-less

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Okay.

So IF you are unclear of the vision it might be because you are stepping into a whole new and unknown place. 

Usually, in life, you get to live at the top and the bottom of everything you already know*. And you get to rearrange everything that you know so that it looks like it’s new. But really you stay within a certain range of happiness and pain that you can feel and the amount of life you get to live is limited. 

So IF you lean into the unknown, the genuinely unknown, it’ll feel scary. And you won’t have a vision. Because you really don’t know. Shifting from a finite reality into an infinite one will not look any of the ways you know things to look like. It’ll genuinely be new. And your mind will not know what to think.

I wrote this morning to a dear friend that I feel like I am in this beautiful bardo, where I’d usually put an addiction into the emptiness that I sense and at the same time I know that won’t solve anything, so I don’t do what I’d usually do to distract myself. 

So I feel emptiness.
But I have a sense that it’ll fill up with beauty any second.

Munich
4 October 2014

*Nicole Daedone

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